Ecownomics.

I have The Guardian set up as my homepage so that whenever I log into Safari, I have the most up-to-date news at my fingertips. The latest details on the Arab Spring, Occupy Wall Street, even the Stoke City v. Newcastle match; it’s all there. This leads me to the (probably misguided) view that I am both reasonably well-informed and knowledgeable. It’s a comforting thought: you feel less of a gate-crashing commoner when middle-class people invite you to dinner. Fortunately, I have the successful completion of my formal education, my prowess with the vixens (!) and, you know, my actual existence, to separate me from Adrian Mole.

However, like dear Adrian, I am squatting under the illusion of my own social and cultural clout. I have somewhat wilfully confused the state of being informed, with the reality that I am actually just, well, a bit interested really.

Nonetheless, a healthy level of curiosity is no bad thing (unless, of course, you’re a cat), and so to bridge the gap between real and imagined, I have dug up a very basic, but really quite useful, chart to squirrel away in your arsenal of ‘things that clever people know, and like to talk about’.

My fellow Moleites, I give you Ecownomics: Economic models explained using cows. Oh, yes.

SOCIALISM:

You have two cows, and give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:

You have two cows. The state takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:

You have two cows. The state takes both then sells you some milk.

NAZISM:

You have two cows. The state takes both then shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM:

You have two cows. The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk down the drain.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM:

You have two giraffes. The state requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, then force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real numbers.

INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them

BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION:

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now part of a democracy…

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:

You have two cows. That one on the left looks very attractive.

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